Written 12-24-11
I haven’t been writing as much as I used to.
I don’t think anyone really takes the time to read these things so I abstain from sharing.
This time around though I could not abstain,
I need to write this down… I have to encapsulate the emotion of right now.
an idea struck me as fast as a hot bolt of lightning kisses the earth.
I was looking out my kitchen window drinking hot cocoa watching the rain fall when a question arose in my mind.
I asked myself “what have you learned from 2011?”
and while walking across my dining room passed my mothers room into my bedroom the events of this year played through my mind.
I feel as if my 2011 was lived in the ghost of late 2010 and the early start of this year.
I could not shake that ghost and no matter how I tried could not face it head on.
As the year progressed I have slowly worked my way to just accept the fact that I will feel this way for awhile but there is always a yin to the yang.
I learned to love this year like I have never ever loved a person before.
I learned to give all I had into a relationship without regret or expectation.
I learned to trust someone even after you had been hurt so many times and to tear the walls I have created.
I learned to share myself in the most personal of ways.
I learned to mesh yourself into the person to create a love so beautiful and so strong that you feel at one with that person, to quote a poem:
” I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.”
I was so very blessed to have experienced that… so very blessed.
I have also learned that you must be very careful of whom you share that kind of love with.
I learned that two broken people cannot fix eachother and that when you find yourself sacrificing everything you have to be with a person while they give up so little… it’s not a healthy relationship and you are bound to experience heartbreak sooner or later.
Luckily for me it was sooner than later.
I learned that the heart can repair itself but it takes time… especially after the heartbreak he put me through.
I still lament the disintegration of what I thought was the perfect love, the perfect man, the perfect relationship.
I still pray at times that I would wake up next to him in his apartment and realize this past year without him has been nothing but a nightmare.
I carry him in my mind, my body and my soul… His ghost continues to haunt me and my dreams.
But time will soon fade him from my memory but I will never forget the lessons; some to personal to list on here that he taught me.